her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
