I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
