Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
