mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
