Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
