No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He shit in the fireplace
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
