I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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