WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
