i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
When are your genitals available?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
