So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
