also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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