the condom got lost in my hair
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
