Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
