also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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