I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
