I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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