I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
