i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
