The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
