omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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