she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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