is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
