how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
