tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
