Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
