I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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