I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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