I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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