He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
