mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
