in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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