If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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