Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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