Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My hand turned me down
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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