these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
