The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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