For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
