The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
