Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i out mim tonsoeep
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
