an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
