My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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