Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
