I think i peed on brittanys purse
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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