3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
