2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
