Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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