I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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