It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
