Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
