he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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