I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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